Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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