Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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