Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
