I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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