fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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