Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
