my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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