I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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