If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
