i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
