I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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