literally had 100 drinks last night.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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