why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize