so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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