God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My cat gives me a boner
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
