If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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