alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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