there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
