My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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