I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
