id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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