So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
