so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
