i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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