Your face is a jimmy john
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
