Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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