Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
