i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
