i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize