I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
