just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
