it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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