my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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