I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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