Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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