I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
