Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
