no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize