...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
