I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
