i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
