Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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