i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
