I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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