Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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