yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
