Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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