remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize