you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
