good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
