so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize