Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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