It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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