i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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