genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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