She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
