Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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