I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Randomize
